Audience and Belongingness

What gave me anxiety, such as my breathing was now palpitating soon was the question that where I belong to. When it appeared to me, it was not just a sentence in interrogative with a proper syntax that people often ask. It was huge. Huge, because it had more queries attached with it; Moreover, it was inspired by my current situations. All of a sudden, all the people with whom I had been associated were just random acquaintance to me that were by the virtue of commonness, who said 'I love you' to each other on a hysterically excited note, the common places or the ideas or so and so with whom were shared. Just acquaintance, where was my connection or the connection, was it me who was not sufficient to keep up with it and preserve it or was it something never worth having or is it great the way it is.

I realized it on a divergence of a path or confluence, where the people I knew ever since seemed so strangers to me as if I never belonged among them. Suddenly, my sense of belongingness was a bygone tale. The friends that I got recently, were actually connected to me professionally. The friends that I had in school had come to me in fragments, patches. As in to say, almost after every five or six years the group of people that I had switched or changed, it was perhaps because of subject matter that we studied was shuffled or the sections that we read in. But it did, as a matter of fact. First it was done in class 5th, when I lost connection the friends who were with me since std. 3, being a child were most of children suffering with inferiority complex? Know not. Or maybe it was just the humble nature of one and the humility, of course that made the another believe that this fellow could be an ease to dominate and persuade. Just informing, these people are actually more complex. It took me years to adjust with the shuffled section when it was shuffled again in class 10th, I met with new people and again the group of previous ones was lost. Moreover, in case if I tried to be in contact with the past ones, it was hurtful for me to realise that they couldn't keep up. Hence, I grew up there, a little late with plenty of damage but I did, with broken bones in my brain, that you cannot see and hence cannot cure. My idea of friendship realized it's existential crisis. The new group was fine too, but it faded away as well. Then it was 11th, that was soon, and I anticipated nothing of it, by when I was relentless with my efforts and professional, at least I realized that I should be it by the end of my school life, that it was the thing I was best at. By then I already was accustomed to it. What kept up, were the skills that I had gained, that was all I ever had. People praising you for your professional skills, meanwhile everybody landed somewhere, a ground you may say. A ground, that still was there (their kind of security) when none wanted them. To be wanted is a part of mankind. They were persuaded by those who wanted them, for good or for bad. While, on the other hand, I had no opinions about this idea of security because it isn't anything new to me about its failure, maybe not overall but I know, it would fail and you would be plastering throughout and call it life, love-life, as everything else in life works, you think. I would wish you boldness and courage to say a NO. Well, people found companion and that in case of both males and females, turned out to be a cause for me to have lost friends again, at times, while rarely as once, that I still assume maybe it has, it survived with a girl who need not take time to recognise about me. I realized I belonged nowhere, no one was there to rely upon or was there to back up if,in case, I slipped. They are dying anyway. When, I came to college. I realized I had started to expect a little, once again. It could not be true though. Your land on which you stand, or the culture does not change how things are with humans. Do I blame mankind, I guess no. It just was, I would not like to picture a single person of my acquaintance into my head while I pen these, since it causes a great distortion by the image. Moreover, another grandeur realization was that I really am suffering with an audience deficiency. The kind of people who could be a great companion to me, I shall be striving to get myself there where I belong every day, who would share same interests as I do, who could be as energetic as I would be about certain things, who could be zealous to live this life as purposely as I think it should be. An audience who would be interested. Who would have wanted to be honest, such as they could connect their sub-conscious heads with the conscious ones, that indeed is dangerous when you practice volunteering the involuntary, how far can you go becomes the question. Who would also believe that there would nothing be important than their work.
Yesterday, when I was looking outside the window I realized, maybe I need not to know people too deep, inside all are alike. I might just switch my cities, keep switching my cities as ever soon every now and then. So that I just touch the skin layer of a town and never dwell into its Venice of blood and liquor where it is dark.
If you stay in dark, you get accustomed to it. It is all your choices that you pay for, and reasons are mere pretexts, you know it too while you say it. You don't need to rescue anybody at all, either. Rescue yourself. Stay good. Be it morbid, deal with it. You might not be anyone's and you may not have anyone.